Where are they now- The Saturday before election

“AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Ted woke up in an alcoholic sweat. “Where am I? What’s going on?” “It’s OK.” said a full bottle of Jack Daniel’s. “You’re with friends now.” “But there was water everywhere, I was running. Where’s my friend Jose?” “Not to worry,” said Jack, “everything will be swept away. You finished with Jose last night, but I am here now.” Ted pulled Jack closer and quickly swallowed him. The pleasant numbness started to take hold. “OK. Who do I need to call to clean up what?” “Don’t worry. We took care of that last night.” Said a small bottle of Bailey’s Ted had not noticed before. "Right now we need to make a call." "Who are we calling?" "A certain anti-devil in South America." Meanwhile back on the Gore invented super highway… MAF54: So what are you wearing? TEDH73: Uhhh. A suit. MAF54: I bet you look great in it. TEDH73: I guess. You know I am not gay. MAF54: I know, me either. TEDH73: I thought you already admitted you where gay? MAF54: Oh yeah. But it is because a preist touched me when I was young. Are you a priest? TEDH73: I am the president of the Evangelicals. MAF54: MMMMM. That sound’s hot. TEDH73: I guess. Sooooo…Can you get meth? MAF54: Maybe….What’s it worth to you? TEDH73: Well I like massages… Meanwhile back in the Afghanistan cave… “So we have all our people voting democrat in the states”, said the man with the long beard and dialysis machine. “Good…Good. Then I think we have a deal. We will have the troops cut and, I mean redeployed as soon as we take office.” Nancy said with a grin. “Great. That sounds good. But I do have one question. Isn’t the President in control of foreign affairs, and isn’t he the one who decides on the troop placement as he is the top commander. So even though you are running on a ‘pull the troops out’ campaign, you have very little say in what actually happens in Iraq? That’s the constitution and all.” “Look Lambada,” screamed Harry,”I have a state sponsored education and I have no idea what you are talking about constitution this and constitution that, but if we win then we win something or other. And then people no we are right. Trust me I know a lot about real estate.” Meanwhile back in the closet... "Theresa, can I come out yet. I have a new joke. Knock, Knock. Who's there. Our troops are idiots. See. See. That plainly shows how I feel about George." Theresa just shook her head and added another bolt to the door. TO BE CONTINUED… Read or Die... IMAO - A painful learning sensation.

Where are they now?

Somewhere in a super secret liberal bunker in a Taliban controlled mountain of Afghanistan… “So when do we come out of hiding Nancy?” “That’s Speaker to you Harry, and it will have to be after the 7th now. What with Kerry opening his big horse mouth about our hatred of the troops. I knew we should have drugged him and brought him here until after the election” “But he only said what all of us believe about the troops.” Nancy quickly slapped him across the face, “Dammit Harry. How many times do I have to tell you. We cannot let the people know our true plans.” Harry slid further back into the cave, whimpering and hoping their neighbors, the nice folks with the long beards named Obama – Osama – Alabama, something like that, would arrive, at least Nancy didn’t hit him when they where around. Meanwhile back in the states… “You have been a very bad boy John! How many times have I told you to follow the script the UN gives you? When I found you, you where nothing but an anti-American hippie, and I…I almost made you president. You know how many packets of ketchup a presidency costs?” John stamped his foot 3 times at Theresa. “Why do I even bother?” Theresa took John and led him to his closet until after the elections. Meanwhile at the Kennedy compound… The bottles where talking to him again. But even worse he had started talking back to them. “It’s OK, Teddy. We don’t need those Russian spies anyways”, said the bottle of Stoli in his right hand. “No, we can rule everything once you allow the immigrants two votes for every one those republicans get”, replied the bottle of Cuervo. “I know, I know guys.” Teddy slowly and lovingly brought both bottles to his mouth and drank deeply of their liquid warmth. “I love you guys so much.” “We love you too”, both bottles said in unison. “You know what you need,” said the half empty bottle of Tanqueray on the table next to him, “A nice long drive.” “That’s a great idea”, replied the Dewar’s, “I know where you black book is, maybe we can invite a girl along.” “Can we drive across bridges?”, asked Teddy starting to get excited now. To be continued... Reading Material: Right Truth - One of my favorite blogs. She said nice things about my story too. Thank you. My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy - Where's Nancy? The Drudge Report - Where is Pelosi? CNS News - Kennedy works with KGB. IMAO - Just cause it's funny. Basil's Blog - Cause he always let's me trackback to him. Thanks Basil. Conservative Cat - Very cool sidebar with new stories. 123 Beta - It's an OPEN TRACKBACK WEEKEND. Take advantage. Send me a trackback and I'll add you to the list. It's an "I am not working today" friday. So keep me busy.

The APOLOGY

My fellow frenchman, er, socialists, er, UN masters, er, military nincompoops, er, Americans. I am sincerely sorry the fascist republicans are too stupid to understand my elite speak, and they are purposely spewing there hate speech to try and take your mind off the real issues which is raising taxes and handing over our security to the UN, er, I mean the war in Iraq. It shows just what a moron our president is when he doesn't realize he is being made fun of, it almost takes the searing white hot rage I feel toward him away. I also want to apologize to the KOS kids who are the only ones able to understand my deep and very funny humour. After toking from their bongs of enlightenment, they can be heard laughing and giggling for hours at everything I say. They should not have to grow up in a world where I am ever called to answer for my comments. The idea that I called the troops in Iraq stupid is simply a Rovian attempt to twist my words of truth and peace. Just like when I called the troops in Iraq terrorists towards poor women and children. Or that time during Vietnam when I called the American troops murderers, rapists, pigs that chopped the ears off innocent babies and sacrificed virgins before the altar of Bush, who even at that time was misinterpreting what I said to make his failed policy in Vietnam look better. Or the time I said an all voluntary military would be filled with nothing but poor black and brown people was somehow thought to be disparaging. Although mostly by chinks, spics, niggers and other pseudo-Americans. Of course, this would not have been such a big deal if the republican blogobots had not taken their marching orders from the Bush Junta. For example, Michelle Malkin (who I am pretty sure is nothing more than a child of a military rape victim) jumped on the bandwagon, demanding I apologize to the uneducated masses who are murdering innocents in Iraq. Or that Little Green Footballs place that seems to think that somehow he is above the press and has a right to question pictures put out by the friendly Islamic press corps. Or that Frank J guy at IMAO who wouldn't know a joke if Barney Franks bit him on his shapely ass. They are all in a conspiracy against me just like when they help steal the election in 2004 (which I am completely over, no, really, I am). As for the troops who feel slighted by my remarks, I understand. With your low IQ's and complete lack of education, I can only assume you misunderstood the pictures your trainers drew for you so you could understand my speech. In the future, I will have a translator on hand to explain the intricacies of my big brain. I know deep inside all of you are truly grateful that I finally made the American public aware of your situation as can be seen in this picture sent to me from Iraq. On a side note, I would like to thank our Al Queada friends, who I am sure are responsible for the picture and e-mail as I can't imagine out troops knowing how to use a computer or camera. In closing, I would like to say that noone should ever take anything I say to mean anything other than what I said it meant after I find out what people may think about it. Also, if I ever say anyone else is stupid I simply mean in relation to me, the smartest man whoever lives. Thank you for your time and may Allah bless you. Sen. John (I married a rich woman) Kerry PS. I am only doing this in written form so the troops won't know about it as they don't read. ALSO READ: Right Truth - Kerry Not So Smart IMAO - Because you should read it everyday, somedays twice. Michelle Malkin - A good summation. Liberaterian Leanings - Kerry Apologizes Something...and Half of Something - The defining moment for 2006 Insolublog - Straight from the Horse's Mouth Radioactive Liberty - John Kerry Supports the War not the Troops Black Five - John Forbes Kerry - Still An Asshat - Apology Issued